We Are More Alike Than We Are Different
In middle school, the great paradox we all stumbled on daily was how to be an individual while simultaneously fitting in. How could I be unique and at the same time be uniform with my classmates? Where and how can I fit?
I’m pretty sure all of us are still struggling with that one. It is ageless, as I’ve known exceptional women trying to fit in with others while in their 70s. And it keeps women, perhaps you, in their 20s 30s and 40s, up at night worrying about being liked by the group. The desire to fit in is color blind. It is culture indifferent. But the one wonderful thing we have in common is that we are all strong women, sorting ourselves out, in different stages.
I have yet to meet a woman, regardless of her age or background, that I couldn’t relate to. Maybe being female is the only commonality that we need. And this struggle is also timeless. I know for a fact that my mother and grandmother, both strong individuals, were simultaneously pretending to follow in lockstep with their neighbors in order to be accepted. Perhaps you’re also trying to figure out how to be your own person and still be a welcomed member to others.
This internal battle is universal, it is non-generational, culturally and racially immune, and I don’t think it’s something that anyone particularly grows out of. So how can you be yourself and still be included in any group of women at the same time?
Support Differences In All Women
You can’t expect others to appreciate your differences if you’re passing judgment on theirs. Support the people who think differently than you do. Make room for the diversity of their ideas, styles, values and priorities. Variety is what makes life and people interesting. It might be what makes you so appealing.
Her struggle is your struggle. At the very least, boost her up for being so brave. And remember, inside of her is a person very much like you, regardless of your apparently profound differences. Finally, I love to spend time with women who just think differently than I do. I already know what I think. What’s so stimulating about that? What’s really interesting to me is the mind of a person who is very much not like I am. Do you see it the same way?
Be Your Own Girl
Courage is a beautiful word. So when you step out with a bold tattoo, a pierced nostril, or a political idea shared by a minority of people, pat yourself on the back for not being a fraud. How can you figure out who you really are if you don’t try new stuff? Or if you don’t think about new stuff in a different way?
Don’t be different just to be different. Don’t conform just to fit in. Just be yourself and look for the commonality of the women that you’re with.
People silently admire bravery. And women in particular love to be with people who stimulate growth and carry the proud scars of their own imperfections. When you’re comfortable in your own shoes, and when you value other women who are completely different than you are, you will feel more comfortable when you go to bed every night. You will not have betrayed yourself. And you will not have betrayed other women who really are more like you on the inside than they appear. Your life will be richer, more collaborative, and way more fascinating.
Be Decent & Broad-minded
Stick up for someone else’s right to be different. Don’t ever talk about a woman behind her back. If you have a problem with someone, take it up with them directly.
Behind their backs, have their backs. It’s honest and it’s fair. And I would want everyone in your life to do the same thing for you. To me, gossip is synonymous with cowardice and small mindedness.
Look for the Commonality
So there’s an interesting person at the table who is a Marxist. Or one who is sporting lagoon blue hair. And one who is angry as hell at the entire world. Some people might be looking for the nearest exit. Perhaps you might be. But rethink this – look for a piece of you in all of them. Pay no mind to color or culture. Ignore age and education. Look for the humanity in all three. It’s there. Find the connection that links all of you, and explore your interesting differences.
I am building this website for women who think differently AND collectively. I would like very much for you to be a part of it. You and all of your lumps and idiosyncrasies are welcome, because real is so much more trustworthy than bland social masking.
Tell me what makes you different. And tell me what you have in common with other women. If you can’t find something, keep digging. It’s there. And I would love to hear about it.
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Lisa Ryan
Relationship Expert – Infidelity Specialist – Personal Development Coach
Loves the big blue sea, homely dogs, the unvarnished truth, and making people feel better.
